im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
