Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
