my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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