Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
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