so that wasnt chicken after all
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
