i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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