Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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