I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
