My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
