I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
