Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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