We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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