No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
