The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
