At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize