I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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