where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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