all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
