My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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