Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
