The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm bleeding and have questions
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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