I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
