$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
God, I missed his penis.
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