ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
