I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
