who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
