so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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