Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
