Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize