Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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