9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Randomize
