allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
