speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
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