i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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