yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
my sisters under your porch take her home
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
