If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
