I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
