i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
