so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
