Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
