OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
