I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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