I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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