So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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