Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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