I'm jealous of your bromance
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Walk of Shame today included voting.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
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