When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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