I faked an abortion last night.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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