Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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