I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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