A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
