Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
