I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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