For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm too high and old for this...
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
