we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
