come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize