we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
