You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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