Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
