i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
