Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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